For the last 18 years, I would’ve given anything to hear from my dad (he passed from suicide back in 2004). At this last conference with Destiny Global, I think that just happened.
WAIT. WHAAAAT?!?! Crazy right?
Even saying that last sentence, tears are about to BURST all over again.
But to tell you what happened I have to back up. And I actually have to tell you some things that until this last weekend I was still not ready to tell.
But with what happened at this last conference, how could I not??
Let me explain;
First, I have to back up to what happened over a year ago.
A professional counselor (and total stranger at the time) pulled my book off a shelf and started reading it - CRAZY!!
Who would’ve thought that, in the following weeks he’d then be emailing me every day as he worked his way through it over the following weeks because he was so blown away by it.
…or that months later in first meeting face to face he’d walk into my life, as another “dad”.
…or that now over a year later, after then rooming with his wife at a conference later that fall, all that it would lead me to.
An incredible friend, who’s been a listening ear who’s seen me cry the deepest of tears, held space in the battles in my own spirit for even more authenticity as I worked through my CRAP…and has spoken so much life to continue the fight.
Including once again at this last conferencee in pensacola, and the week after spent processing (and celebrating their own family joys) with their family in PA.
What was I processing?
Two major moments of healing.
One that requires vulnerability that’s quite a leap. And to be able to leap I needed a “safe” space to get there. This counselor’s wife did that effortlessly as we walked the beach in Jersey Shore. Not planned - except by the Almighty.
The first moment of healing came as we were working through wounds at the conference, and they instructed that if you’ve been hurt by a woman to stand. Then another woman came and stood in front of those standing, and stood in proxy for the one who hurt them. They asked for forgiveness on behalf of that person.
Quoting one of the trainers - “It’s about making YOU right for what THEY did wrong”.
I stood. Like a MAGNET another mentor flew right in front of me. Another mentor, and woman who in the 5 years prior since attending events had intimately known my journey.
How did she know? Because she too had been a “safe” space.
She had been the very first person who I opened up to back in year 1, way before I even came close to being ready to write my book revealing it ALL. Back in those first years, I had been going through so much intense, messy, and painful healing that after EVERY event I was emailing in to the company thanking them sharing with them what my God had done because of their efforts.
She had watched it all. I knew she had prayed through it all. And she loved and accepted me as she then continued to watch me painfully walk it all.
As she then stood in front of me at this last event for this exercise she says “It was like MAGNET, Yahaveh drew me right to you!”. And she then asked for forgiveness on behalf of any woman who had “abused me, touched me, and taken advantage of my heart that had opened up to them”. She saw right through me, everything I needed to hear. As she spoke I saw the faces who I knew might never voice it. I sobbed, as my friend locked me dead in the eyes, and I was set free.
Just a WEEK ago, I had not been ready to yet share any part of THIS story.
Here’s where the story gets crazier.
I would’ve never even got HERE, had I not gone to Isreal in 2019 with my mentor and met another woman - our now CEO’s wife.
Who would’ve thought that, in the following months SHE would become not only one of the pre-readers of my book that I then wrote over that next year but that a friendship so set apart would start in none other than the holy land.
A friend who back when I wrote my book, then launched my movement, and started diving into the Hebrew calendar in the years after not only continued to cheer me on but passionately became one of my biggest cheerleaders!
She completely saw me. Loved me, accepted me in every moment where I was at, and has believed in me ever since.
We too have cried the deepest tears together. I’ve been behind the scenes with this family and have seen how incredible and authentic THEIR hearts are too.
And as the company where my own life changed - changed…I knew it was safe and in amazing hands because I KNEW these hearts.
I couldn’t have been more PROUD of all that they too had battled through and been victorious in these last few years. And that same feeling overwhelmed my spirit this entire last event watching them empower from now, the stage!
That Sunday, the very last day of the conference something huge happened. That leads me into the hardest part of the story - my story - to now tell.
On Sunday our CEO delivered a message that I’ll never forget.
Why?
Because of his raw authenticity.
He vulnerably shared how he had felt like a hypocrite and why. He then shared about his health and weight battles with food.
As he shared, I wanted to weep. Because I saw the LEADER in him I knew that was there. The one who cares so much about people, that they’re willing to ‘go there’. To go to the deep places where the real life lessons and moments of true growth are found.
He doesn’t even know this yet, but watching him that day, so courageously share his journey as vulnerably as he did became what has now led me to my own next breakthrough.
Leaping into the unknown can be terrifying. Some battles require so much sacrifice. So much sacrifice of self.
But man it sure feels like the more I continue to let go of “me”, the more HE puts into my path even more than my heart could have imagined.
What do I mean? Well here’s where I get REALLY authentic with you.
After I released my book in 2020, I went through a season where I felt like an absolute hypocrite too.
Why? Because I “fell into” (chose) exactly the thing I shared in it that I was struggling with.
But then coming out of that season since, and surrendering it all, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Why did I surrender it?
Because of all the things He had been showing me as I simultaneously had been studying the Hebrew calendar.
What can happen when you simply give Him the opportunity and space to show you MORE.
Not out of judgement, not out of condemnation. But simply out of the love of a Father who just wants more than anything to simply take a walk with you. Lead you by the hand not going any faster than you’re able to.
I wrestled so deeply with the guilt and the shame for the choices I made in that season right after my book released.
The feelings completely overwhelmed me, as I expressed through sobs that “I had disappointed the one I love more than anything in this life - Him!!”
But that same one whom I thought I had disappointed so deeply, answered back through a friends dream who had no idea I was even struggling to the depths that I was; she shared that in her dream she saw me and my future hubby walking on the sand and one word was written in the sand
…”FORGIVEN”.
I wept that day. I wept as I felt His love wash over me. He knew what I needed to hear and in one word delivered the message through someone else that day. Someone else who didn't even know I was struggling.
Sometimes the one who’s the hardest to forgive is ourself. We beat ourselves up day after day, and here the one who literally created us isn’t doing that…he’s whispering through the voice of another the voice of freedom!! The voice of freedom from it all.
Maybe you too, need to hear that you’re FORGIVEN.
Maybe you too need to hear that when you do take the leap to be authentic with your creator and authentic with yourself…that it’s worth letting go of it all.
What happens when you let go of it all? Well you’ve already read about several people HE has brought along the path so poetically timed as I continued to surrender MORE these last 5 years…the CEO’s wife in Isreal, the mentor from the company the first few years that read all my emails as I healed, the professional counselor who took my book off a shelf, and his wife that I then roomed with, and our now CEO.
But if all those gifts don’t prove it to you, let me tell you this last most recent one. The one you’ve been waiting for since my opening line.
The one, about my dad.
Well, at this last event once again we were challenged with “who do we need to forgive”.
And for me, more came out about my dad and him not being here.
I then journaled “I need to forgive you Dad for not being here. Not being here now to tell me how proud of me you are. To hug me and just hold me for a second. I chose to feel like there was always something missing, that I was waiting for a voice that I’d never hear. I chose to feel like I wasn’t worth staying for to be able to tell that to. When I’ve had a Father ever since who’s taken my hand in every moment and told me not only how much He loved me but showed me that I was on the right track that He WAS with me and He was enamored with me. I release you dad, for not being here to tell me that too.”
What happened next completely flabbergasted me. I wrote all that in PRIVATE, in silence - in my journal.
NO ONE had known what I wrote down just moments before.
Next, they instructed that if you’ve been hurt by now a man to stand. A male then came and stood in front of those standing, and stood in proxy for the one who hurt them. They asked for forgiveness on behalf of that person.
The man who came and stood in front of me…was the CEO, the husband of the friend I had made back in Isreal. Another man whom him and his wife had just like the professional counselor and his wife been weaved so beautifully into my own.
After going through the exercise, a few tears fell as he spoke but then as he hugged me for a second he then softly said in my ear…
“I’LL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE Jen!”
…and the floodgates opened. I completely lost it.
That voice, wasn’t my friend the CEO…that was my dad.
What a gift. A voice from the other side.
A moment I’ll never forget. So many moments I’ll never forget.
And so much healing. Is it hard - YES. Is it messy - Oh my gosh yes. Is it painful - unbelievably so!!
But is it worth it? I would do it all again in a heartbeat knowing what then came on the other side of embracing and leaning into it all.
YOU are worth it friend.
Surrender it all, and watch your life be SURROUNDED with those who will champion for your success.
Let Him ENVELOPE you with so much more, as you continue to walk towards your own freedom.