Pipeline beach Oahu…one of the most famous surfing beaches in the world. People line up to watch the professionals catch a wave. What did I do?
I biffed so hard just coming OUT of the water when I stopped tumbling feet over head, I had no idea if I was still connected to my board, if my hoo-ha was exposed to everyone as I re-gathered myself on the sand, of if anything was bleeding.
Then walking out, the first man I walked by in the crowds had a concerned look on his face… “Are you okay?”.
I had zero clue. Zero clue if I was exposed, if I was bleeding anywhere, or what the heck just happened.
But man had I wished I took more serious the words given to me by another surfer (a guide) out in the waves “Whatever you do, DON’T ride a wave into the beach”.
WHOOPS.
There’s so many things in life we MISS.
Like another anonymous friend on the trip, when she suddenly yelled out to me while in the airbnb “Jen!!! Come look at this!!”.
Insert my hesitation as she’s yelling while in the toilet.
I walk in and her face is flabbergasted. She’s in total shock as she’s pointing to her vape that had just dropped in the toilet.
Meanwhile not noticing AT ALL, that her underwear was still at her knees.
What if there’s something MORE we should be seeing. Something MORE that’s right there in front of us?
What do I mean?
Well, with that first story biffing at pipline what I didn’t tell you is that day I had been out in the waves and an older gentleman had come up right beside me in the waves. Between waves we chatted, and as a wave would come he seemed more concerned with ME catching one, than him. He’d give instructions between each, subtle tweaks I could make, even helped lift my board in the back at times to catch it, cheering me on with each one. He’d catch one then paddle right back to me and we continued like this for what felt like several hours. He was so patient, kind, and humble. He was in his 70’s and such a gentle soul.
Parting in the water as dusk set in, we shook hands and I paddled to shore. I didn’t learn till after I hit the sand (horrifically) and rejoined my friends that this man had entered the water earlier and b-lined it over to ME! My friends shared that it was such a bizarre sight because He seemed to see me and then knew he wanted to come to ME!
Wow, I thought. Why was I so special?
Later as we were packing the Jeep, suddenly a car was behind ours…my new friend! The man who had b-lined it for me in the waves. We all then stood in a circle continuing to chat with this sweet man and then found out He was none other than Jock Sutherland…the infamous surfer well known in the 70’s! Inside my jaw dropped.
THIS was who I had just spent the afternoon with in the waves??? And who was guiding and teaching ME? This was who had b-lined it for ME?
Unreal. And what a gift. What blew me away the most was how kind, and how patient this older man had been all day!
And then it hit me…that’s how HE (God) is. He sees us and b-lines it to us and like a good Father wants to give instruction, guide us, and even give us a lift to get going and ride that next wave in life. Whispering words of belief into our souls that we CAN do it! That we ARE designed for this. Never rushing us, or even asking to be beside us but patiently waiting for us to soak in his companionship in that very moment amidst our day.
That we ARE that special to Him. That’s how PATIENT He is.
The PATIENCE of a Father.
There’s where the story gets crazier.
I should have guessed this was going to be such a powerful trip spiritually.
Especially when the one who exclaimed “Jen, come look a this!” while on the toilet arrived (lol). Why do I say that? Because of how much our stories, and what we had overcame, related to one another.
Day 1 she arrived she was weeping as I shared the updates to my own journey and the forgiveness I had found. Words she too needed to hear.
But what I didn’t expect is my own freedom that would also yet come.
Late one night this friend was sharing about a healing event in her own journey. Where her own father was sitting next to her and how powerful that was. Prior to that, she had asked him one night ‘what do you really want to do?”, “what’s on your heart and mind?”. As he shared his dreams and visions she saw him cry.
She had given him space in a moment where it might of been life and death for him with the weight of the dreams he had been carrying and the loss of his brother who had hung himself that he carried.
Tears started welling in my eyes. As I thought of how MAD I had been over the last 5 years, that I couldn’t give THIS (this same healing conference where I had found freedom - just like her dad had now too) to MY dad.
I couldn’t go back and put this into his hands.
That night as the tears fell, this friend saw the tears coming out as she shared about her own father and encouraged me to LET THEM OUT. The floodgates opened as I shared deep frustrations and also how beautiful it was that her dad had hugged her when she had found healing at these events, because he was sitting next to her. That’s what my dad would do anytime I cried tears like this…he’d just walk up to me, say nothing and hug me so tight until the tears stopped.
This friend then said “I’ll hug you”.
As she was hugging me she said;
“Jen, have you ever forgiven YOURSELF for not getting to help him?”.
I cried so hard I couldn’t see.
She kept repeating the words that I needed to forgive myself, I was crying some of the deepest tears I’ve ever cried. I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. Which was crazy to me, because I KNEW how to walk through the steps of forgiveness, I knew what I needed to say right then. But I was crying such deep tears…I literally couldn’t speak.
This friend picked up on that and softly said “Repeat after me”.
One word at a time it came out. A root so deep I couldn’t’ even say the sentence without help one word, at a time.
“I. Forgive. You. Jen. For. Not. Being. Able. To. HELP. Your. Dad. In. That. Moment.”
Processing that moment of healing the next day, I was overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by the image of HIM - a Father (God) who is so PATIENT, He’s right beside us and wants to guide us to freedom.
Like a patient Father she had waited with each word until I could say it. And a giant tree, a giant root inside me finally released.
I then shared how just about a month prior some anonymous friends had gifted 7 tickets to these events we both had been to that brought healing. 7 tickets to veterans to go to “First Steps To Success”, on my birthday, in memory of my dad.
I couldn’t help my dad, but these 7 veterans were going to get this put into THEIR hands.
This moment, this root being released, put words to the feeling I hadn’t yet known how to express. A gift that hit so deep that it was beyond the ability for words to even come out.
A gift that was also part of the unraveling of a major root just a few weeks later. That it might not have been able to dig to without this trip to Hawaii, without the connection and space with THESE friends whose story so closely related to my own, without them sharing stories of THEIR dad, or without the incredible gift just weeks before by 2 anonymous friends.
And that’s exactly what this last month in Oahu was. The beauty of a patient GUIDE, and a complete engulfing of HIS presence.
I felt it the first day this particular friend arrived, as she brought His presence to a level that had me on the verge of weeping just while riding down the road in our open air jeep blasting worship music and singing as loud as she could as we went (not realizing she had never done that before until this moment later).
I felt it the night this friend and I sat down to watch “The Shack”. A movie I had blocked in my brain and not wanted to watch these last 18 years since loosing my dad. But I didn’t remember that I had even blocked it until we started watching it.
Suddenly remembering all the comments about this film, and the friend who had told me to watch it 18 years ago.
What if I was SUPPOSE to watch it with this friend - now? It felt appointed.
Why? This friend related to the 2nd half of my story - the one in my book.
Eerily enough, the night before the two of us had noticed we both had been burned from the sun. But just on our hands, our faces, and our feet. Then remembering the story of Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego who had been in the FIRE but didn’t die because of the presence of the Father.
Interestingly, we had both been burned by the sun and decided to stay up watching this film because of it.
So there I was sitting watching this movie FINALLY, while sitting next to someone who could relate to the second half of my journey. The second half that had I watched this movie 18 years ago wouldn’t’ have happened yet. The second half of my journey, that until THIS trip, I didn’t realize had ANY connection to the first half.
He was showing me His presence in the WHOLE journey. And His presence amidst the flames.
But it goes so much further than that. This guide had done that all week through so many other things we watched and talked through, like the documentary “the Heart of man”.
As a person in the film shared their story something NEW about my dad’s story hit me, and broke me.
That being when you’re so broken you’re at that place of thinking about ending it all. The LIES are what’s hitting your identity. It’s not Him. It's not His voice of who you are!
Hearing that shattered the belief I had that my dad’s identity was rock solid. Don't hear me wrong, there is no doubt in my mind that he loved the Father with everything that He had. More than most people I even know. But what it was showing me was something specific. It showed me that he needed HELP with his IDENTITY, in that moment.
It then hitting me how the TWO HALVES of my story are tied. So intricately.
The story of tragic loss and suicide - and the story of struggles with identity.
And until this moment I had thought they were unrelated. One being one I couldn’t control, and just happened.
And the other being one I struggled with shame and regret in, because I had chosen it.
It then hitting me that they ARE related, and powerfully. That I’m called to help people with their identity because I know the identity struggle and have overcame but until this moment I had ZERO idea that this struggle related to and tied to the struggle of loosing my dad and that day for him until now.
Now I knew HOW and WHY the two are working together and the vital-ness of the message. Because those who struggle with identity are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Talk about redemption. Redemption of the second half of my story that there's so much regret in! Only HE could do that! Only HE could weave like that!
He (Yahaveh - God) had waited until He could speak into BOTH halves of my journey before I watched "The Shack", and that’s how I knew it was also TIME. Time to accept watching it, and why it was appointed with this friend, that night.
Two friends who had been burned. Two friends who had been IN THE FIRE but not died. Because of Him!
The night we watched it, I had set my alarm for 1am saying that I could start it but needed to go to bed at 1 so that I could get up to work in the am. The alarm went off and this friend asked me what I thought so far. I was blank for a minute and then said one word “overwhelmed”. And the tears started. And then they poured out of me as I bent over.
Why? Because something was hitting me so hard it felt like it FELL over top of me from all sides. Completely engulfing me like a curtain all around me. And I knew exactly what it was. Because I knew that feeling. It was HIS PRESENCE.
As I sat there physically feeling his presence completely engulfing me I cried harder at the beauty of it.
“Yes, Jen…and it’s been my presence that Has healed you these last 18 years”.
I cried harder. This friend continuing to tell me to let it out.
After I regathered myself, this friend then says “Jen, are you really going to say no (to finishing the movie right now) to the God who has physically engulfed you right now because you think you need to be diligent?? He knows your diligent!!”. She was right. We stayed up and finished the film.
So many more moments of healing happened. So many profound messages of what happens to our grief when we cry. The LIFE birthed inside us. How He uses that soil to redeem. We become the garden of His presence giving life to others and it goes with us WHEREVER we go!
I didn’t need to go to Hawaii to feel more of Him…I was taking Him with me, that garden with me, everywhere.
John 1:14 describes how “The word became flesh and made His dwelling among us”. The word dwelling actually being the word for tent or tabernacle.
That’s what it felt like when His presence engulfed me, like I was inside a sacred space.
Thank goodness this friend had challenged me that night to EMBRACE Him and not go to bed, but instead became lost in His embrace.
He speaks to us in so many ways. In sacred spaces. In still spaces.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that early on this trip I awoke from a bizarre dream.
A dream where EVERYTHING was on fire. We were all driving down the road in Oahu in the jeep and looked out the window and saw flames engulfing everything.
This friend asking me the next morning “How did it make you feel?”. I answered, “I was in awe!!”.
We then remembered that the Holy Spirit is described as falling like a fire. And that fire is meant for cleansing.
Pretty crazy for a vision given early on for what the following month would become. A month where we were running to Him, He was making Himself known, and falling like FIRE.
Fire that cleansed. Fire that engulfed. Fire that set ablaze a trail for freedom, and a passion for others that could engulf the world in awe. And surely had us.
What a PATIENT, faithful, good, and all encompassing FIRE He is.
A FIRE that wants to show us experiences with Him that leave us saying “WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?” like the day I biffed on the beach.
A FIRE that wants to engulf us so greatly that it takes days, if not weeks, if not years to process through the beauty of what He's showing us, doing, and freeing us from!
A FIRE that values and loves us so much He desperately wants to b-line it just for US?
A FIRE whose eyes are on YOU?
Because He values you that greatly!